Monthly Archives: January 2013

If I knew any better…


I was talking to a student who goes to my school and she told me she was pretty sure that a colleague of mine didn’t like me.  I asked her why and she told me the colleague thought I was an airhead.  Really, me an airhead?  Anyone who really knows me would laugh (I hope) at that notion.  I am so many things, but an airhead, that’s new.  So then I begin to think about the person that I have become in the last 2 1/2 years, since Karen’s passing.  The person who called me an airhead has never met :me: she has only met the person I have become.  I am forgetful, depressed, angry, emotional, impatient, easily wounded, and certainly not the person I was before. I am not an airhead, though.  I am not a ditz.  I am not as intellectual as she is; I am a carefree, comfortable with my person-hood lady.  Do those things make me an airhead?  It has been running over and over in my head for the last week; I haven’t seen this colleague (thank heaven for miracles) this week due to exams.  If I knew any better I would think that this colleague was jealous of me and my rapport with students who have never been in my classroom.  I might wonder what she thought about my pedagogy in life, and then if I knew any better would I really care?  Here is the reality, I am who I am now because of events in my life.  These events have been beyond my control.  I function, many times, on a level that is less than what it could be simply because I am battling a depression that I never imagined would happen to me.  I am pretty sure that I am not in need of medication (but I could be wrong, I often believe my own facade) but counseling would be a good idea (until I begin to give them the facade too).  Who am I kidding, maybe I will succumb to the idea that I am an airhead?  Should I let her in my head?  Rule my thoughts, become my soliloquy?  Sometimes I think she is right all around and I don’t know any better and I should just quit while I am ahead.

Unfortunately, I am stubborn and I try daily to kick her out of my head.  I do know better.  I am Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”  This means that people think things about me that aren’t true, they  make things up because they don’t know what to make of me.  They are curious of my honest reflection of self and my undiagnosed ADD.  They wonder, why and how is she successful.  I am oblivious of it until someone tells me.

AND then…..